Saturday, January 31, 2015

Brain Tanning: Using the Brain to Tan Skins

Imagine someone capturing you, ripping your brain out and then smashing your brain all over your skin.

Apparently there are hunters who use the substances contained in animal brains to cure, treat, or tan, skins, hides and leathers. That's using the old noodle.

For those who are disturbed by the notion of having your brains smeared all over your skin to tan your hide, don't worry, your brains won't get lonely. If your skin is tanned by this traditional method, they will pound your feces and urine into your hide as well as your brains!

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I Eat Brainz For Lunch

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There shall arise two classes of human after the Zombie Apocalypse. Zombie hunters and zombie eaters. The zombie eaters shall feast exclusively on the processed flesh of zombies. The zombie hunters will not kill zombies. Rather they will hunt them down, capture them and sell the zombies to the zombie eaters.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Zombie Eaters: Feasting on Zombie Flesh. Rise of the Zampires.

And so it was that the starving humans perfected a way to cook and eat the flesh of zombies. First they irradiated the zombies with beta rays, x-rays and gamma rays. Then they flash froze the zombies. Then they thawed the zombies out with microwave lasers. It was thought that this rough treatment would kill the pathogens in just about anything. However, the resultant flesh was a bit mushy what with the cells of the meat being burst and fricasseed. And the bones while fractured during all this were still a mite crunchy. And so in one last process the crunchy zombie pudding was passed through bone grinder. This also exposed the bone marrow and made the resulting meat paste more nutritious. Consumers of the zombie pudding often ate hot zombie soup.

Later, when more isolated, zombie free communities found out about the practice of consuming zombie flesh there arose anti-cannibalistic and anti-zombie slavery factions. Some of the organizations even ran what they called runaway zombie slave camps. Inevitably, the well meaning do-gooders who ran such camps were eaten—or turned into zombies. Ah, the perils of zombie love. Whenever zombie flesh eaters found out that an organization of zombie abolitionists existed, they always contrived to unleash a zombie horde in their general direction. As many a zombie farmer opined: True love will run it’s course and it ain’t right for one man to keep another from what he loves.

There is amongst men, an infinite capacity for self delusion. And thus it was that none of the regular consumers of zombie flesh noticed any changes in themselves. But those they traded with did. It was noticed that zombie eaters tended to favor the night and that they wore sunglasses all the time. But that somehow, even with sunglasses on, they could see better and shoot straighter than other men. Add to that an increase of speed and strength over that of other men and the picture was complete. The eaters of zombie flesh had transformed themselves into a kind of vampire. But given that these zombie eating vampires did not feed on human blood some took to calling them zampires or xampires.

In the beginning, zampires were welcomed by the coastal dwelling normal humans. After all, zampires were clearing the world of the scourge of zombies and making the world habitable again. But all good things must come to an end. When the population of zampires grew too large and their herds of zombies dwindled. Their came a day when they could find no more free range zombies. What happened next was inevitable. The zampires began capturing normal humans, enslaving them and turning them into zombies. Some connoisseurs liked freshly turned zombies and ate then alive. Still others preferred old zombies that had fed on a lot of humans.

Early in the Zombie Apocalypse, an anti-vampire sect had arisen in some remote mountain villages. You might ask of what possible use was an anti-vampire sect during a Zombie Apocalypse and the answer was of course: None. Fortunately, these groups of idiots where secreted away on remote mountains where no zombie thought to go. Do zombies think? Well that’s beside the point.

When the zombie flesh eaters became zampires, suddenly the anti-vampire sects became useful.

Human scientists and worked out away to turn the zampires back into ordinary humans. Unfortunately the only effective way to deliver the treatment was in the flesh of a freshly turned zombie. But who would volunteer to be made a zombie for the purpose of defeating the zampires? The anti-vampire types all volunteered. Firstly they were none too bright. And secondly, the zampires were close enough to vampires. At last, the chosen mission of the anti-vampire sect had a realizable focus.

And it was on. The war between humans and zampires.

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